Is Marriage Overrated?

says the single guy!

Step One in embracing being Single:

Not everyone needs -- or wants -- to say, "I do."
I, for one, don't "need" to be married.
One of my closest friends struggles mightily with his singledom.
What
he
NEEDS
To Do is Embrace his status
And rather see it as a weakness, find the strength behind it...
After all, no single person Never...as in always and forever...
Has ever been Nagged to Death!



1. Because not-married doesn't mean all alone.
If you're married, it's generally assumed you'll always have somebody -- for better or worse. But I'd just like to say that when you're not married, you'll also always have somebody for better or worse, somebody to count on, love, laugh with, fight with, miss, confide in and rely on. Because being not-married doesn't mean you're alone. It means you're living your life with friends, lovers, sisters, brothers, neighbors and co-workers. You're just not living with a spouse. Maybe you're dating. Maybe you're in a relationship for two years, then in another for five years. Maybe you're like me: in a relationship for a decade and aiming for life. Maybe you opt for no romantic partner at all. Instead you connect with friends over big pots of soup and crusty bread, go on road trips and encounter strangers, work for social causes, swim in the ocean, play the violin in an amateur string quartet. You don't need to be married to have all the things marriage is supposed to give you -- a life rich with experience and intimacy.

2. Because love is a mystery…
And marriage, by definition, is a contract, plain and simple. I neither want nor need my love defined in business or legal terms. The beauty of love is that it's undefined to begin with -- and always changing.

3. Because real security comes from being known for who you are and cared for no matter what.
Upsetting stuff in life happens, and marriage doesn't stop it. Security, on the other hand, makes those rough times endurable. I get mine from my children, every time they crack me up by serenading our mutt with their improvised blues songs. I get it from my partner, every time he reads my mind and knows I'm craving a late-night snack of kettle-cooked potato chips -- and then whips out a package he just happened to buy on his way home from work. I get it from my best friend, every time she senses I'm burnt out and takes me kayaking or mails me a poem. Feeling known and adored by the people around you -- be they lovers or co-workers or chums -- provides the greatest security of all. And you don't need a spouse to rely on it.

4. Because you can still have the ring.
When one of my friends turned 40, she registered for a bunch of household items and threw herself an unbridal shower. At first, I thought this seemed weird and kind of selfish, but then it hit me: I'd never begrudged my betrothed friends their waffle irons, blenders and cute, little sugar spoons. Why should I want any less for my unmarried friends? For that matter, why not want these things for myself? Not housewares, exactly, but those aspects of marriage rituals--be they weddings or anniversaries--that do resonate with me. Because it turned out, after my boyfriend and I had been together five years, I found myself yearning for something surprisingly traditional: a tangible symbol of our connection, something I could have with me at all times, something I could touch. I shyly announced I'd like a ring, and he went out and found me a beauty. It looks like fairies made it from twigs and moonlight: tiny and bumpy with little specks that wink in the sun.

5. Because you can break up.
My boyfriend and I have been together 10 years now, and whenever we've hit an especially rocky patch (as all couples do) it's been a relief to know there's nothing holding us together except our desire to make it work. We're at liberty to break up in an instant if things become unbearable. What sweet, paradoxically empowering knowledge this is! During our saddest, ugliest, most hopeless moments, I have taken comfort in this fact, which has given me the willingness to re-dedicate myself to us.

6. Because you can always get married next year. Or the next. Or the year after that.
I'm no anti-marriage crusader. And this isn't an injunction; it's just a list. I was married once, and the truth is, my boyfriend and I haven't ruled out getting married someday. We're not sure what might prompt us to desire legal accreditation, but we remain open to the possibility. In a way, that's the whole point: remaining open. Both in our attitude toward marriage and in our relationship itself; we hope to stay open, to be continually receptive to ideas, to thoughts, to feelings, to experiences, to others and to ourselves. It doesn't matter whether you're in a long-term relationship, grieving the end of one, just starting a new romance or contentedly flying solo: None of us knows what the future will hold. And so we let ourselves move forward into it, clear-eyed about the limits of our certainty and invigorated by the adventure.



Article by Leah Hager Cohen
Leah Hager Cohen is the author of I Don't Know: In Praise of Admitting Ignorance (Except When You Shouldn't) and The Grief of Others.

Y Not B Fit?

My phrase
My motto
My motive
My intentions

All Thrive from the idea of
The End Justifies The Means

Welcome to my world, welcome my logic
Where your rules, your reason are meant to be disregarded...

I do what I do
To feel great
Looking good is just a side benefit

Be fabulous Ganja Lady
Join the ranks, 
Be Fit!

How to Improve a Relationship with 'Empathy'

One of my biggest relationship assets is my empathy.  It allows my the ability to become so connected to an individual...it's as if I can bind directly into their soul.  It's a gift and a curse....
And a tool that I can only use if and only when I am allowed...
It's an ultimate gift for those in need of feeling understood.


You may  have seen the emotional intelligence quiz from the New York Times that was floating around last week. (Uh, humblebrag! I totally read the NYTimes). The quiz tested how well you can read emotions just by looking at photos of people’s eyes. Turns out that shiz is hard! But it goes without saying, emotional intelligence, otherwise known as empathy, is a pretty necessary ingredient in a happy relationship.

Here’s another quick quiz: does your partner often get mad at you for not realizing when he/she is sad, excited, angry, annoyed, hungry, horny, or recently got a haircut? Then you, my friend, might have a low emotional intelligence. But fear not! There are ways you can up your emo IQ and avoid future arguments.

One study in Scientific American showed that our ability to feel empathy is actually a muscle that can be strengthened with a little mental exercise. In the study they had subjects participate in “compassionate meditation,” which basically involved focusing on five specific people (someone they loved, a friend, someone they’re fighting with, a stranger, and of course, themselves) while repeating a compassionate phrase like “May you be free from suffering.” And lo and behold, after two short weeks of doing this for 30 minutes a day, they were more altruistic and empathetic.

Not one for meditation?  Here’s an even easier cheat sheet to becoming a more empathetic person:

Listen! When your partner is talking to you, do your best to give them 100% of your attention – or at least 90% (checking Instagram only takes, like, 10% of your mental focus).  Listening also means not interrupting! You’ll be shocked at what you can learn.

The 93% rule. This is a fascinating rule that’s huge in the social science community but might not be as well known by us civilians: when we communicate with someone, only 7% of what we get across to another person is through our words alone. The other 93% percent comes from other cues like body language and our tone of voice. If you’re lacking in empathy, it’s very possible you’re only hearing the 7%, which barely gets the whole point across. Here’s an example: on Sundays, my boyfriend bogarts the TV by watching approximately 114 different football games over the course of the day. When he asks if that’s OK I usually respond, “Yeah, it’s fine.” But if he’d actually pay attention for once he’d realize my tone saying, “Well, I have three episodes of New Girl on the DVR and there is an America’s Next Top Model marathon on Oxygen, but you go ahead and keep me from doing something I’d really enjoy.”

So fear not, friends, empathy doesn’t have to be so elusive. And remember, if all else fails, plastering a smile on your face and offering a foot rub is always just as good as actually caring.



Article by Laura Wilcox

Sexism and Careless Commenting

Nothing sets the feminist Internet abuzz quite like sexism presented in a bulleted list. Whether it be the Craigslist "worthy gentleman" with his fondness for misplaced quotation marks, the New Jersey surgeon who went to five -- count them, five -- universities, or the newest entry, the racist, sexist gem known as "Sleepless in Austin," these troglodytes are comic gold. We make fun. They go away. And everyone is happy. Because we assume they are merely an aberration or an unfortunate throwback to the days when people thought reading made women infertile. But these entitled men with their laundry lists of physical requirements keep popping up because we've raised a generation of men who believe that it's totally acceptable for a man to dictate how a woman should look. Sure, most men have a bit more self-awareness and empathy than this unfortunate Austinite. But they'll still tell their girlfriends exactly how much pubic hair they're allowed to have. So "Sleepless in Austin" isn't a joke. He's like 75 percent of the unmarried men in New York City.

Humans, both male and female, have always had physical preferences, but heterosexual young men suddenly feel that it's socially acceptable to voice these predilections to the women lying naked beside them. Although I'm normally opposed to blaming every 21st-century ill on Internet porn, I'm making an exception in this case. Because porn, and media saturation in general is clearly a big part of this problem. When a young man spends countless hours a day directing one nondescript girl after another to perform at his command, it shouldn't be surprising that he considers it reasonable to tell his girlfriend that her upper arms are flabby. When 99 percent of the women he encounters in the media have been curated to meet his specifications, why wouldn't he expect his girlfriend to follow suit?

Now, I certainly don't believe that all young men are socially stunted, porn-addled sexists. My first boyfriend was a Mensch, and I have countless male friends and family members who understand that belittling a woman's body is on par with repeating homophobic slurs or generally being a despicable human being. But, sadly, 10 years of dating in New York City has led me to the disturbing conclusion that perhaps I just have cool friends.

During the past decade, boyfriends have felt the need to instruct me on the following: my weight, my hair length and style, the height of my heels, the frequency with which I wax, the length of my nails, my muscle definition, the type of makeup I wear. And I was once called out for having an errant hair on one of my nipples. None of them handed me a list of requirements before we started dating. But perhaps they should have. It would have been much more efficient.

I recently dated a man who was particularly bad about female bodies. Although he was relatively happy with my thin frame, he continually critiqued the bodies of other women. He'd point out women who had a hint of belly pudge or look away in horror when a woman had the audacity to wear a bikini without first being skinny. When I calmly suggested that he stop being such a jerk puppet, he argued that you can't control your physical preferences. Which is true. But you can control the words coming out of your mouth. So, no, you're not just being honest, angry man. You're being a dick. And you should probably stop that. Because it's 2013, and it's ridiculous that so many men need to be told that even though they're free to be attracted to women of any shape or size, they shouldn't discuss women as though we're all Weimeraners competing in the Westminster Dog Show.

While women should obviously stick up for themselves and demand that men stop it with this "honest" talk about women's bodies, this can be relatively difficult when you're, quite often, literally naked during these discussions. And, moreover, I'm sick of the onus always being on women. It can be fairly challenging to celebrate and accept your body when someone is constantly pointing out your "flaws" or the apparent "failings" of women around you. Perhaps, just this once, we could put the burden of change on men. Perhaps, just this once, we could make men realize that having a penis doesn't give them the right to order up the vagina of their choice -- because that vagina is attached to a body, which is attached to the brain of a human being. And that human being shouldn't have to put up with this type of behavior from someone who claims to be a grown-ass adult. Perhaps just this once.




Article by Anna Szymanski
Follow Anna Szymanski on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Three_Guineas

My Fickle Mind

Breaking Rules devised to separate

Unique
Unthinkable
Intense
Breathtaking
Absolving
Bewitching
Retro-active
Mesmerizing
Inundated
Mind-Bending
Enchanting 
Musical
Enlightening
Beguiling
Unbelievable
Deliberate
Authentic
Innovative
Brazen
Stimulating
Unimaginable
Galvanizing
Invigorating
Dashing
Delightful
Demure

Rare...Sensational....Exotic...Seductive
Determined Not to be just another Sheep

Long

Humbled by your convictions....
Betrayed by your emotions...
Dedicated to your senses....mastered by your heart
The only truth here....is in its own class of tragedy
Insensitive to a ruthless fate
....your crime...?
Victimized by your relentless vindicting passion
Conflicted in a sea of compassion
Convicted by a burning doom....endless and priceless....
A Verdict so unforgiving...tender in its decision
When did fairness ever rule our destiny?

God

Death is the only God who (eventually) (always) comes when you call
-Roger Zelazny