Our special Author for this Article...Ms Margret Klaw is obsessed with the topic of women's economic self-sufficiency. When she was in her early twenties, She thought it was important, as an abstract principle, for women to be able to support themselves. But didn't know the half of it. Being a divorce lawyer for more than two decades has made Margret see up close and personal the devastating effect that total dependence on a husband can have. Take it Away Margret...so
Margret says...
I am not surprised by women older than me who embraced a traditional homemaker role at a time when other options weren't really on the table. But I continue to be surprised by the large number of women my age and younger -- women who were raised with the expectation that they would have careers, women with college or graduate school degrees -- who never seriously entered the workforce and find themselves at age forty or fifty without he ability to earn a living...
I completely understand how it happens. A couple meet in college or grad school, get married, work for a year or two, wife gets pregnant, stops working for a brief period, husband's career builds, wife doesn't return to work because husband is capable of supporting them both, wife becomes absorbed with the very considerable pleasures of full time motherhood, wife has a second and maybe a third child. Fast forward fifteen years, children are all in school, wife's job is managing the family and household, husband's job is to earn all the money, and the marriage falls apart.
Unless they are really wealthy, it's a disaster. You just can't divide up one income stream and have it support two households without a significant drop in everyone's living standard. And how do you navigate the difficulties of an unhappy marriage when any thinking you try to do about what would really be best for you and your children is completely intertwined with a sickening fear of not being able to pay the bills, of going to work at Starbucks (if they'll even have you), because your twenty-year-old B.A. in English is not going to qualify you to do anything that pays more than $12 an hour? Women living this nightmare are desperate and terrified.
By contrast, women who can support themselves are able to think about divorce entirely differently. Are they still in love? Would it be better for the children, on balance, if they stay or go? They may be unhappy, but they feel they have choices. There is just no question that money is power and the power dynamic in marriages where one person is financially dependent on the other is dramatically different from marriages where either spouse could pay their own rent if they had to.
Fairy tales die hard. Our culture may still whisper into the ears of young women that Prince Charming will come, sweep you off your feet, and take care of you -- which is fine if it happens, enjoy the ride -- but make sure you have a Plan B, because you absolutely cannot count on happily ever after.
Second Article by Elisabeth Joy LaMotte
The discovery of infidelity leads many couples to seek therapy, as they typically struggle with a range devastating emotions. Shock, disbelief, confusion, fear and outrage are all common; so are doubts about the future of the marriage. As one of my clients recently explained:
We Have a wonderful marriage. At least I thought we did. My wife and I have been together for twelve years; we have great kids and a great life. Never in a million years did I think she was capable of cheating. I always viewed an affair as a deal breaker -- as something that could not happen to me. I assumed that if she ever cheated, I'd be out the door. But the reality is that I have no clue how to deal with this mess, and no idea whether I will stay
My client is not alone. Many people assume that they would end their marriage if they discovered infidelity. Unfortunately, no marriage comes with an absolute guarantee, and -- while there is no valid excuse -- even good people in great marriages are sometimes unfaithful.
There are many myths and misconceptions about infidelity. The biggest one is that if an affair happens, the marriage is doomed. As a couples therapist, I have worked with enough amazing couples in strong marriages to know that this is not the case. Some people even strengthen their relationship as they do the hard work that it takes to recover from the devastating consequences of an affair.
If you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, there are some basic steps that you can take to determine if your marriage is savable. These tips are not necessarily the complete solution to an exceptionally difficult situation; however, they can be a useful framework to help you determine whether you and your spouse are up for the hard work to re-build trust and get through the pain and loss associated with infidelity. It's a tough road, but one that many couples have traveled with success.
1: Read the book Not "Just Friends"
Pick up Shirley P. Glass' book, Not "Just Friends". It has an exceptionally modern and thoughtful take on fidelity and will be relevant to both you and your spouse. Ask your spouse if he or she is willing to read this book with you and complete the exercises. If your spouse agrees and is actively engaged in the reading from the moment the book is in his or her hands, this is a very encouraging sign.
2: Seek Couples Therapy
Find an experienced couples therapist. Infidelity is traumatic enough to warrant reaching out to a professional for help and support. Visit the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy's (AAMFT) web site to find a skilled professional in your area. This site only lists therapists who have met rigorous training standards and completed hundreds of supervised hours in couples therapy. If your spouse is willing to see a therapist with you, this is another encouraging sign. If not, this is a cause for concern.
3: Ask Your Spouse to Cut Off Contact with the Affair Partner
Ask your spouse if he or she is willing to end the other relationship for good and cut off all contact. I'm not just talking about physical contact. For the marriage to recover, there must be no contact, electronic or otherwise. This other person must be completely out of the picture; it will therefore be necessary to un-friend this person on Facebook, un-follow this person on Twitter and delete this person from all phones. If your spouse works with this person, collaborate with the couples therapist to set up the parameters to manage this difficult ongoing challenge. Perhaps your spouse can change divisions or departments or at least cut out the after-work office happy-hours.
Is your spouse willing to cut off contact? Is your spouse willing to let you know when this person attempts to make contact (which they will) and to discuss with you whether and how to respond? If your spouse is willing to completely cut this person off, that is an excellent sign. If you are hearing all kinds of excuses, this is cause for serious concern.
Unfortunately, your spouse's infidelity is something you never forget. However, this does not mean that your relationship is doomed. The steps listed above are by no means easy, but if your spouse is willing to do whatever it takes, then staying together is a choice worth considering, especially if children are involved. Remember that infidelity is much more common and much more complicated than people realize, and you are not alone in this difficult journey.
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