Well, I don't exactly know how and where to begin...so, I'll start where it's easiest...the beginning. About a month or so ago, I noticed a new hire at one of the hot yoga studios that I attend. She looked exactly like an old friend of mine...a friend who I can honestly say is a tad bit unpredictable and crazy. This new hire (I don't even know her name), is an attractive blue eyed blonde. Marginally above average in height. A strong and athletic build. She also had tattoos. I can be such the sucker for tattoos (if they are well done and well placed). There she was on the opposite side of the yoga room, with her yoga mat all laid out participating in the class. Of course I noticed...she's new and attractive. I would have to be blind or gay not to heed any of my attention in her direction. She leaves my mind the instant I leave the studio...so much for lasting impressions.
Fast forward to last night. I get there somewhat early, the room is fairly void of people...but several mats already occupy spots. I lay my mat as close to the exit doors as possible (on occasion when the instructors choose to have pity...they will open the doors during peak and tense moments in class...at those moments...I cherish that cool breeze that comes and soothes my exhaustion). So...it's time...class begins...guess who is situated directly next to me? Yup, the attractive new hire in her skin tight short shorts and dinky tank top.
Whatever, I'll focus and kill the poses in class...maybe she'll notice my effort/skill, maybe she won't. We go through the class...it's as tough as any hot yoga class gets (if you think that I am over exaggerating...I dare any if you to take that specific class at that studio)...I'm doing good, real good...but not great. Not that I am keeping score, but the blonde...she's having a tough go in the class. Though, There are points during the class, where she's the shining star...and I am nothing but her shadow. But, overall...I outplayed and I outlasted her (it's the competitive athlete in me to push myself to and through all challenging points). The class comes to an end. Each class ends with a personal rest period called Shavasna (aka the corpse pose)...there I am, all sprawled out on my back with my eyes shuttering to stay closed. That's when I start to hear this bizarre commotion coming from the blonde. So I open one eye and briefly/nonchalantly glance in her direction. What do I see? Well, she is directly facing me (about eight inches away)....in some funky quasi split position. She is using her arms on either side of her to lift her hips in a grinding fashion towards me. This can't be happening...so, I pay no attention and ignore her. She's continuing to dry hump in my direction, faintly grunting as she's performing whatever cool down exercise that she thinks suits her current needs. It's driving me mad, to be perfectly honest with you...at first break from her direct sight...I roll away from her and leave the room. I wait until the entire room clears before I return and gather my belongings and leave the studio....wondering, muttering to myself as I drive home...god exists, and god is a woman...intent on torturing me.
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