Good morning everybody, I am so pleasantly pleased to be here today and able to share with you my recent Tuesday evening Yoga experience.
The studio name is Yoga Flex and it's located in Commack New York. It's a studio that has a reputation for keeping their yoga room at higher than normal temperatures. As I am my own credible witness...six weeks ago I walked in that room sensing that the temperature was higher than normal. After the instructor cooled the room...the temperature read One Hundred and Thirteen degrees Fahrenheit. That, my friends, often puts the Dee in Delicious!
Anyhow, I walk in last night twenty minutes before class and the teacher greets me
"Hi, I hope that the room will be hot enough tonight"
After immediately stepping into the practice room...without even bothering to double check the room thermometer...I just know, "it's plenty warm and then some".
There is only one other person in the room, she's meditating in the front and center of this faux de facto oven. Being that I pride myself on my random ability to be sensible (not always in ideal situations though), I select the coolest spot available (directly next to the exterior exit door). It's cool for two reasons. The first of the reasons are all the frequent outdoor breezes that sneak in through this minuscule sized gap located at the bottom of the doorway. The second, and more relevant reason is how the teachers...out of moments of humane sympathy, they will occasionally open that exit door and allow for a quick cooling of the room. It's a transient effect since the heaters are set to mimic the sun's intensity.
Well, being that I am twenty minutes early, I begin my warm up ritual of alternating between chaterungas and pigeon stretches. I break a nice sweat well before the instructor begins the seventy five minute class (which, for this evening, will be a sequence of twenty six poses...I don't love the class...but, I tolerate it IN order to fix my obsession of strong physical labor...I have a saying, 'if you own a corvette, then drive it like a corvette').
My strength and endurance isn't at a peak level...but I am mustering whatever effort I can (I never yield to a physical challenge, it's just not in my DNA). The room was scattered with about fifteen to twenty or so practitioners. The class moves at a quick and steady pace. For the most part, I keep up the entire class...just sweating up a violent storm. And then it starts to hit me...
What hits me?
The one hour leg workout I did earlier in the day...and the residual abdominal workout I did the day before...
My muscles, specifically in my midsection...start to seize as we are doing our cool down stretches at the end of the class. I am cautious at this junction, therefore, I back off from maximizing the intensity of these leg stretches.
The class comes to a complete end now and The Teacher informs us if we wish to stay and mediate, that we should feel free to do so. She turns off the lights and exits the room.
This has NEVER EVER, as in always and forever...Happened to me before at the end of a class....Unbeknownst to me at that moment, I fell asleep. Yup! Out!! Who really knows what happens when we are asleep? I'll let you what happens, the commotion of twenty people gathering their things and leaving. Plus an instructor's aid will come in and mop the entire room.
She snaps all the Lights on....I wake as I hear the instructor's assistant greet me with a pleasant, "hi, You had a nice little Nap." The room is quiet, empty and spotless.
This woman is new to this facility, I have never seen her before. She's slightly older than me. Taller than your typical woman, which I love. Long blonde wavy hair. Where she differentiates herself from all other woman is her excessive upper body curves...I am such a fool when it comes to curvy women! I can not lie, I am slightly excited to be alone in her presences. I glance at my watch...thirty minutes have elapsed...I have been asleep in this room...this hot room...for thirty, freakin minutes. I go to get up...but wait...my legs aren't working right. It starts off subtle...and then it explodes...my right quadriceps muscle (front thigh muscle) hardens like a rock...and aside from this excruciating pain, I just can't move my leg...meaning I can't get up...and this pretty blonde woman stands there smiling at me waiting for me to respond in some way to her...and I just can't move, and I can't even utter a word.
(Man Up Deano, and Stand Up like the Spartan that you are).
As nonchalantly as I can, I spin to my side (biting my tongue the whole time)...and I stand up. At this point all my quadriceps muscles are in a full out riot-like cramp crisis...my adductors (inner thigh muscles) decide to join this party.
Great! I am standing up, and my legs are not working...with this woman standing next to me. Without thinking about any repercussions, I reach down and snatch my stuff (usually, I kneel down and spray clean my yoga mat...not tonight, I just can't physically bend down). She notices my discomfort (I guess my discrete approach isn't too discrete). She asks, 'would you like a coconut water?' Barely able to speak like an idiot I mutter, 'yes please'. She probably thinks that I am some bizarro awkward idiot type now...great. She quickly returns with a tiny bottle (I was hoping for a barrel). I take a swig as I exit the room...just dropping my mat and sweat soaked towels on the bench directly outside of my nemesis, the furnace of fury. I waddle my way to the men's locker room. I drop the empty coconut bottle on the floor and feebly attempt to crawl my way into the shower...but I still can't functionally command my body. You know what, I just sprawl out unto the smelly floor and attempt to gather my thoughts. Just outside of the locker room, I can here the incoming women for the subsequent class. They are just mindlessly yapping away...as I lay motionless on this filthy and disgusting floor.
I think to myself, 'if I die in here, right now...they'll never know.' Ten minutes later, I am able to regain awareness, sensation AND function of my body...this coconut water stuff really works. I stand up and make it into the shower. I let the lukewarm water run over me...just continuing to cool me down. I splatter soap all over my body and just hope for the best. Clean and as fresh as I can get in Twenty minutes, I am dressed and out. I purchase a second bottle...a bottle double in size, mind you. I finish the bottle during my ride home.
I arrive home, down two glasses of Cotes du Rhone with my dinner as a watch my beloved NY Islanders blow another three goal lead. I make my way to bed...it's here, where I undergo a series of muscle cramps that run the course of my entire memorable night. When I got up this morning...I immediately began my daily rehydration routine...consuming two liters of fluid. I arrive at work, nice and early. It's here, where I piece together my last section of this grueling puzzle. I weigh myself on the Tanita scale we have here. I lost nine pounds of water over the course of this one night.
Don't try this at home!
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