"I Know exactly how you feel, I just broke up with my boyfriend."
Yeah, Great!
I know that my friends who told me that were trying to make me feel better. They were trying to show empathy and a shared experience with mine. But a relationship -- even a long-term one with cohabitation -- is not the same as a marriage. If it was then same-sex couples wouldn't be fighting for the right to marry all over this country
For starters, there is the ceremony. When you start dating someone you don't throw a "Hey look we just started dating party." You might have a housewarming if you move in together but with a marriage there are usually one or more bridal showers, an engagement party, a bachelorette party and finally the big, obnoxious wedding. I remember mine as if it were yesterday and when I stood there in the dress facing both sides of our collective families turning to watch me walk down that aisle, I thought to myself:
So this is why we have weddings, to guilt us into staying together.
All of these parties, rituals and ceremonies add a sense of permanence to the union. Your families become legally linked to one another; everything becomes part of the public record. And although getting married is easy enough, getting out of it can be a quagmire.
I always want to say to the person who just broke up with their non-spouse partner:
Did you have to go to a lawyer to break up?
Do you have any stocks or mutual funds in both of your names?
Do you have property with this person?
Do you have children?
Did you just have to go do your taxes with your ex?
Do you live in fear that your ex will financially ruin you before the divorce is final?
Do you have to pay alimony to your ex-partner?
Is your partner hiding marital assets or income earned during the marriage?
Is your ex contesting the split or slowing the process down?
As difficult as a breakup is, even a long-term live-in partner is not the same as a husband or wife. With some long-term relationships shared assets or children might be an issue but in most cases they are not. With a boyfriend or girlfriend you can usually just walk away. You don't have to go to court, you don't have to file for legal separation, you don't have to protect your assets. The only real legal benefit to being non-married is that if you have your own health insurance you don't have to worry about losing it when you get divorced. Because of all of the legal ramifications, especially with those involving children, divorces in some states can drag on for years before they are resolved.
I had a non-contested divorce with few assets and my ex and I spent over $2,000 on the divorce; I had to go to court about five times before it was over. Since I was the one who filed, I was the one who had to appear to drive the paperwork through the system. I remember waiting in line trying to hold back tears to get my certified copy of my divorce. I had to get this document to split in half some of our assets and to legally declare to the universe that we were no longer husband and wife. Our divorce was easy, it only took eight months in NY state, but some of my friends with children are still battling with their exes years later. Eight months, thousands of dollars, and multiple court appearances isn't exactly the same as moving my stuff out of a boyfriend's apartment.
Juliet sounds a bit bitter in her article above, she may have legitimate gripes with her former spouse...but each relationship is unique, and it's certainly possible to have a very involved relationship whereby no marriage certificate exists for. But those cases are rare (and mostly found in Europe). The American society seems almost predicated on "legalities"...lawyers can and do suck, every penny if they can (well some do while many others may not, i shouldn't generalize about people). Nonetheless, you get married to be protected. So what Juliet really is trying to say here?
Aside from all legalities, their is an element of permanence that exists with marriage that is absent with a non-legally binded relationship. From the very start of a marriage...the festive ambience as two families unite into one...creates a sense that, this will never end...but it does, more times then not. It is a part of a grandeur ritual that BINDS TWO:TWO, going well beyond then just just two people living together...hence, why the fall is often unwelcome and ugly...outright harsh (for everyone). There isn't a single divorce that I know of that has left anyone feeling warm and fuzzy. Whether the divorce was forceful and/or quick, long and drawn out...it always ends in damaged spirits (the severity often depends on the strength of the individual)...for the person being left behind, as well as, the person wanting to move in a different direction...everyone loses something! A break up is similar to building a wall and separating two rooms...with a divorce, a demolition team flattens an entire structure that two people spent a significant effort erecting. A break up is very different then divorce....so, next time you hear:
"I know and understand what you are going through"
Smile and politely nod, and hope that they never actually do.
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